it's been awhile

three weeks ago, i read an article that said ethiopia was planning to decrease foreign adoptions by 90 percent. i spent a week of my life freaking out. i cried everyday. i worried. i wished for all the officials making these decisions to burn in hell. i became defensive when members of our church adoption community tried to help me approach the situation with logic and prayer rather than panic.

it was the worst week of our adoption since we started this process 2 years ago. and i have to say, in hindsight, i'm disappointed at how many christians in the adoption community, including myself, handled the situation.

you see, i feel like most of us are really good with phrases like "God has a purpose for all of this" or "we just need to pray about this" or even "God is good no matter what" when we're talking about somebody else's suffering. we are also good with phrases like "God is so faithful!" or "God still does miracles!" only when we like something God has done for us.

but i didn't really hear any of that stuff from many adoption bloggers when everything started spinning out of control regarding ethiopian adoptions 2 weeks ago, nor did i hear any of it from myself. instead, i heard speculation and exaggeration like people saying it was going to take years and years to get their kids home when nothing like that had even been confirmed by any reputable source. i heard people taking about "my adoption this, and my adoption that" with no real consideration of the bigger picture that involves more than just their adoption.

the whole situation felt like someone yelling "fire!" in a crowded movie theater.

what i'm learning from all of this is that sometimes the deepest, darkest part of my heart sees adoption as a dream i feel i am entitled to have fulfilled for me rather than a calling from God that i have committed to being obedient to even if God's ultimate plan is not to bring it to fruition.

i spent a lot of that week trying to defend my rights to that dream when, in reality, it is not my place to protect it. sure, i care about orphans in ethiopia and think we should speak against injustice. but in speaking out, my hope should always be that God gives me the heart to accept what is the most good and just for the children of ethiopia, even if the result puts my dream in jeopardy.

having realized all that, i found a sense of peace about our adoption last week that i haven't had for 5-6 months. i attribute much of this to the prayers of family, friends, and our church family. we still don't have a referral after more than 13.5 months of waiting. we might not get a court date before rainy season. we might not have kids by christmas. but we're at peace because it's true: God is good. he is faithful. he still does miracles. and his purposes are beyond our understanding.