Wednesday, March 7, 2012

thoughts as we continue waiting

we are hoping to be submitted to the embassy on tuesday. i feel like i will go crazy if we have to wait another week. it has been almost 2 months since we last held our kids, and sometimes i look around and wonder if it was all a dream. thank God for pictures to remind me that, yes, we were in fact there.

ephraim weighed 11 pounds (at 13 months) when we last saw him. in these last 2 months, he's gained 6.5 pounds. he is actually starting to look chunky. he has been through so much. he had measles and pneumonia before he was transferred to our agency's transition home. when he arrived at the transition home in december, he was still malnourished even though he'd been in the care of an orphanage for nearly a year (clearly, i'm not a big fan of people who believe an orphanage in a child's birth country is better than a family elsewhere). he was sick and very weak. i hope that one day he will see how God has delivered him and believe. i also hope he will humor me when i claim "survivor" by destiny's child as his theme song.

ruthie turns 4 in june. she is starting to look like a little girl and not a toddler. one of the things i've loved most about adopting a child that isn't an infant is immediately seeing ruthie's personality. even before we met her, the pictures showed a girl full of spunk. she is a great combo of jamie and me -- such a testament that God providentially destined her for our family, knowing she would fit perfectly.

she is also quickly becoming a sweet big sister. when we decided to adopt 2 kids at the same time, we knew that one big advantage would be our kids coming into our family as "buddies." they'd forever have someone else who looked the same, who came into our family in the same way -- someone who could sympathize with all the messiness that adoption can bring. it amazes me that our kids were once perfect strangers, and now they are forever bonded as brother and sister. ephraim has been alone so much of his life, and all i could think when we passed court was that he was legally not alone anymore -- he had a family. it has given me great comfort to see ruthie love him well while we can't be there. i've prepared for ruthie to struggle when they come home in giving up some of the "mommying" she has done for ephraim, but for now, i'm so thankful they have each other.

it is bittersweet to watch your children grow up from afar. it is a back and forth -- feeling thrilled that your child is gaining weight, becoming healthier, etc. while also feeling sadness that you are missing it all. early on in our adoption, i remember skipping over the sections of books that talked about the grief of adoptive parents. it seemed to me that since we hadn't lost children previously to miscarriage or struggled with infertility, we weren't bringing any grief to the process. what i've realized is this process creates grief. honestly, i don't know how people get through it without God. as of late, i have had to consciously commit to submitting myself to God's timing in all of this, believing that he does know best. it doesn't appease the grief, but it certainly purposes it.

please pray nothing would delay us in submitting to the embassy on tuesday. and pray the embassy would be merciful and quick with our cases.


  1. Lauren, I can't imagine what this would be like. I think of you guys often when I'm sitting upstairs feeling like I'm "missing" Ellory's infancy while I tap away on relatively unimportant work emails. And I can go squeeze her whenever I want.

    Your stamina and faith are something of a cairn to me -- a reminder of the Bigger Picture and God's unfailing redemptive love. I struggle with such little things, and you bear a big thing gracefully. I know that you are not superwoman. You have a big savior and you're loving with a love that's not your own. Praise.

  2. Oh Lauren...I literally felt a pit in my stomach reading this. What comfort it is to know that His mercies are new every morning, even in (seemingly) neverending trial. I plan to write your children a letter upon their arrival in the States. I want to tell them, while it's still fresh, what unwavering dedication you and Jamie have shown toward them...your relentless love and pursuit on their behalf and how the Lord is delivering all four of you from a season of hardship. But most of all, about your hope in the midst of all this waiting and all these roadblocks. Your hope in Christ and great joy at the thought of bringing them into your home and loving them day in and day out. What a glorious day it will be. Much love to you four.

  3. Lauren - it's so great to have a specific request to pray for. Your emotions and journey are to familiar. I'm also glad that you are entering the grief as an adoptive parent. 14 months into parenting J&A I still find myself grieving over things on a regular basis. It affirms my belief that EVERY part of adoption has a painful thread.

    Praying your kiddos home SOON!

  4. Love the pictures and the blog post! I just took a moment to pray for you guys now. So excited for you guys! The picture of the four of you together is so precious! Yes, there is a lot of grief. We still deal with bouts of grief from time to time. I have a pretty intense blog post about it that I haven't decided if I want to share or not (for the sake of being judged, would it be helpful to others(?) or my kids reading it when they get older). Praying the Lord will prepare you for the crazy/unexpected in the months to come. No one can really prepare you for the "adventure" of the first few months home. It's a little insane but it's get easier with time, Lord willing. Amanda McAlpine