it's war

right now, a battle is being waged.

i can tell you this because i'm in the middle of it.

i've heard every statistic about the global orphan crisis. i've read books about how poverty, poor healthcare, and ethnic conflict are leaving millions of children without families. i've heard stories from friends who lived in africa and know what it's like to bury a child who didn't live long enough to make it out of an orphanage. i've prayed for God to change a judge's heart so that a child wouldn't be forced back into a home filled with abuse and neglect.

but the battle between God's kingdom and the empire of this world has never been so clear to me than it is right now in our little adoption journey. people say adoption is hard -- the waiting is too long, too many uncertainties, too much money, too many ways that things can go wrong. they're actually right about a lot of that stuff, and i can see why people don't want to adopt. but let me say: in the almost 2.5 years we've been in this process, i've never been more convinced about how much adoption matters and how badly it's needed.

because seriously, there's a war going on for the lives of all 150 million orphans in this world. and the side of evil would love to see those children go unadopted. evil would take pleasure in seeing brokenness, emptiness, injustice, and turmoil reign rather than restoration, healing, redemption, and peace.

literally everything has gone wrong with our adoption in the last 6 months. we have experienced extreme disappointment, frustration, and grief. we have been angry with our adoption agency, which has essentially abandoned us and, at times, seemed to be fighting for the other side (apologies to those who have had good experiences with our agency, but we have had a terrible experience). despite everything that has happened, i can only conclude that this is a battle worth fighting because the attacks have been so unrelentingly harsh.

i want to tell all the skeptics out there who have pushed off adoption at every turn for one reason or another that we're at the point where logic would say give up, throw in the towel, it's just too hard. but something inside says, "no, keep fighting." and i'm reminded of this verse:

the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. -- exodus 14:14

and so, by God's grace and power, we will continue waging this very real war, hoping that others will join the fight with us.

vacation day 2

read day 1.

we started our morning very early in order to catch a bus out to stonehenge (it's about 1.5 hours from london, near the town of salisbury). we decided it was worth our money to book a special access tour where we could actually walk among the stones since regular admission only gets you a spot behind a rope several feet away from the stones (stonehenge was one of my top must-sees for our trip). the bus that picked us up had "london celebrity homes tour" written on the side, and we got looks all day from people who thought we were shallow enough to come to london to see celebrity homes.

my dad has this thing about not ever needing to travel overseas to see any sights because he can look at them in a book. i've tried to explain to him that there is nothing like standing in front of that sight, allowing the beauty and history of it all to hit you. my first glimpse of stonehenge was incredible. we came up over a hill and there it was in the distance. it's funny, i guess some people roll by stonehenge everyday on their way to work because there's a pretty major road nearby. but to me, it felt like i was surrounded by the lush, english countryside, completely alone with the stones.

i had to take a picture of this sign i noticed while we were waiting for our tour guide. yes, i know a 12-year-old boy would also have taken a picture of this, but we got a good chuckle out of it.

and there are the stones, up close and personal. they're a lot bigger and taller than i thought they'd be. i'm so amazed that God gave men 4500 years ago the artistic and intellectual ability to build something as beautiful and functional as stonehenge.

we had an excellent tour guide. he's participated in several of the digs at stonehenge and surrounding sites. though we had a good grasp of stonehenge's history from general knowledge and watching a national geographic special (twice), our guide had a lot to say that we didn't know. he was also extremely sensitive to jamie's blindness and took him around the whole site, letting him feel the stones (!) so he could get a sense of the layout.

see how little we are?

our special access tour also included free admission to the salisbury cathedral. i loved the town of salisbury and would honestly move there tomorrow. jamie had another full english breakfast at a local pub, and i continued to be amazed at all the brits drinking beer at 10 in the morning. the salisbury cathedral has the highest church spire in england and also one of the best preserved copies of the magna carta.

we got back to london mid-afternoon and continued our whirlwind of a day by visiting the tower of london. i'm so bummed i didn't get any better pictures of the tower, but we walked so much that day before even making it to the tower, i was too tired to walk back around to the front of the tower after our tour to get more pictures. so below is one of jamie inside. the crowd of people in the background are waiting to see the crown jewels, which are pretty impressive. we also saw lots of torture devices, carvings on the walls left by prisoners of the tower, and the lawn where anne boyelyn (second wife of henry viii) was beheaded. unfortunately, we somehow missed the room with all the armor.

after we left the tower, we took a river boat cruise up the thames. we saw tower bridge (below), london bridge, the replica of shakespeare's globe theater, st. paul's cathedral, plus skyscrapers and other less historic buildings.

we docked back at the big ben/parliament/westminster abbey area. i love the second picture below because you can see big ben and the abbey side by side. we went to another pub for dinner and had lasagna, which was simultaneously extremely rich and mediocre. i was very glad to have had low expectations for british food.

vacation day 1

a couple of months ago, jamie and i began throwing around the idea of going to europe. it seemed like the perfect time to go -- we had saved for our adoption only to see it stall much longer than expected, and quite honestly, we needed something to look forward to after months of uncertainty and unfulfilled anticipation.


we flew out of raleigh on may 4th. we got lucky and got bumped to a direct flight to london after our flight to newark got delayed. we both hate flying, so having to endure one less takeoff and landing (plus 2 hours in the air) was a good way to start our trip. the flight was uneventful -- food, movies, failed attempts to sleep, etc. after we landed at heathrow, we went directly through customs (we packed lightly and didn't check any bags. yes, we are awesome), and then found the tube. i, being extremely map illiterate, had no clue which direction to take us when we got off the tube at victoria station. so we just started walking. and thankfully, this kind british gentleman on a bicycle noticed we seemed out of place and asked, "lost, are we?" he pointed us in the right direction, and off we went. then it started to rain. then i got us lost again. at that point, i was ready to go home. then a nice british lady pushing a baby stroller got us back on course. we found our hotel, put our bags down, and went off in search of breakfast and wifi.


we found a restaurant called the shakespeare. jamie had his first full english breakfast (fried egg, bacon, sausage, baked beans, tomato, and mushroom). we planned out our tube routes for the day and studied maps to avoid getting lost again. the jet lag caught up with me during breakfast, and i had a brief period of craziness before recovering with a cappuccino.



first, we went to the british museum (check out jamie below). we saw the rosetta stone, some mummies, some ethiopian art, and a bunch of other stuff that i honestly can't remember. we really only went for the rosetta stone and the mummies.




next, we went to the british library. seriously, we're a little dorky. i wanted to see all the old biblical manuscripts and bibles. we also saw several famous literary manuscripts and an original copy of handel's messiah.


at that point, we had walked a whole lot. but because it was such a beautiful day, i convinced jamie that we should go over to big ben/parliament/westminster abbey so i could take pictures just in case it was raining the day we'd planned to visit and tour the abbey. so far, i hadn't actually felt like i was in london because we hadn't seen any of the major sights. i should probably say that i had been dreaming about going to london since i was in 6th grade, so i really couldn't wait to be face to face with big ben.




and when we stepped off the tube, there he was.


let me explain the picture below because it makes me laugh. we were super-paranoid about asking anyone to take a picture of us together because we had read way too much about pickpockets and thieves. jamie attempted to take a picture of me in front of big ben, but he's blind, and well...that didn't work out well just because there's a certain angling you've got to do to get everything in the picture. i think one of the parliament guards felt sorry for us and offered to take a picture of us even though he's not really supposed to. however, he managed not only to catch jamie with his eyes closed but also to CUT-OFF BIG BEN! well, at least you can kinda tell we were there...



































we walked across the street to see westminster abbey. there are seriously no words. more about that when i get to the day we actually went in. we were there a week after the royal wedding, so not only was i flipping about this 1000-year old church, but i was thinking about william and kate and how i'm little obsessed with the royal family.

we topped off the day with dinner at a pub right around the corner from our hotel. we both had burgers, and jamie was right when he warned me: british burgers are way inferior to american burgers. they put a lot of breadcrumbs in with the meat so the burger is half meat and half other stuff. not cool.

from our current perspective

hmmmm, it's pretty hard to make up for 2 lost months on a blog. so here's a few thoughts on adoption from our current perspective (aka, 15 months and 3 weeks waiting for a referral):

1. adoption is not a race or competition between other adoptive families. i have been struggling to believe this the last few months. i'm on a small listserv with a few other families from our agency. all of them have referrals now. some of them have their kids home. most (maybe all) have passed court and are waiting for embassy dates. we also have good friends who just passed court for their 4.5 year old son. they waited on their agency's waitlist just 2 months before receiving his referral. many times, i've felt tempted to say, "but wait, God, they are supposed to be behind us. it wasn't supposed to work this way." the race mentality is incredibly defeating and discouraging, particularly because it takes away all truth of God's sovereignty. i imagine that our friends who just passed court felt similarly defeated by this race mentality when they went through hell with their homestudy agency. they watched a number of families who started the adoption process after them get onto waitlists before them. by the race mentality, they shouldn't have received a referral when they did, but God chose otherwise. his sovereignty is greater than our circumstances.

2. adoption isn't just a personal family building choice. i can say with extraordinary certainty that we would not have made it this long waiting for a referral if God had not been sustaining us all this way with a clear and direct calling. he has instilled in both of us a passion for adoption that has grown exponentially since we began this process. i literally have NO CLUE how anyone who just sees adoption as one option out a handful of family building choices or as a humanitarian endeavor endures this tough journey.

3. adoption is bigger than me. when our friends passed court last week, it was a reminder of why we're doing this. adoption is such a huge miracle. it brings together a child who has experienced much loss -- especially the loss of a family -- and parents who long to love and nurture a child. it also models the way we are welcomed into God's family through jesus (go listen to third day's song "children of God." it's like my adoption power jam). God's design of and purpose for adoption goes past our particular situation. if for some reason our adoption process didn't work out, there would still be much to celebrate.

4. HONESTY ALERT: sometimes i really, really struggle being outside adoption world. we've been blessed to know several families who have adopted or are adopting. our closest friends are adoptive parents (and, more specifically, adoptive parents to kids who weren't newborns when they were adopted). because of this, we spend a lot of our lives in what i call adoption world. it's a place where adoption is totally normal, a place where you can totally skip having a newborn and still be considered a real and knowledgeable parent. i spent some time with other friends (and friends of friends) this weekend, and i noticed myself clamming up at one point when the conversation turned to pregnancy and baby-raising. i had already been asked earlier in the evening if i was pregnant after one of the girls i didn't really know overheard me talking about names for our kids. it was an honest question, but it made me sad: why do people always assume expectant mothers are pregnant mothers? i long for the day when the question is not "are you pregnant?" but "are you pregnant or adopting?" i long for the day when the conversations among women about having children aren't soley centered around pregnancy. i often hesitate to speak up about adoption in many situations outside of adoption world simply because i fear making people feel like i'm trying to force it on them. and all of this is really just exacerbated by the fact that we don't have a referral yet, thus decreasing any credibility i have to speak on any of this (at least in the eyes of many people outside adoption world).

it's been awhile

three weeks ago, i read an article that said ethiopia was planning to decrease foreign adoptions by 90 percent. i spent a week of my life freaking out. i cried everyday. i worried. i wished for all the officials making these decisions to burn in hell. i became defensive when members of our church adoption community tried to help me approach the situation with logic and prayer rather than panic.

it was the worst week of our adoption since we started this process 2 years ago. and i have to say, in hindsight, i'm disappointed at how many christians in the adoption community, including myself, handled the situation.

you see, i feel like most of us are really good with phrases like "God has a purpose for all of this" or "we just need to pray about this" or even "God is good no matter what" when we're talking about somebody else's suffering. we are also good with phrases like "God is so faithful!" or "God still does miracles!" only when we like something God has done for us.

but i didn't really hear any of that stuff from many adoption bloggers when everything started spinning out of control regarding ethiopian adoptions 2 weeks ago, nor did i hear any of it from myself. instead, i heard speculation and exaggeration like people saying it was going to take years and years to get their kids home when nothing like that had even been confirmed by any reputable source. i heard people taking about "my adoption this, and my adoption that" with no real consideration of the bigger picture that involves more than just their adoption.

the whole situation felt like someone yelling "fire!" in a crowded movie theater.

what i'm learning from all of this is that sometimes the deepest, darkest part of my heart sees adoption as a dream i feel i am entitled to have fulfilled for me rather than a calling from God that i have committed to being obedient to even if God's ultimate plan is not to bring it to fruition.

i spent a lot of that week trying to defend my rights to that dream when, in reality, it is not my place to protect it. sure, i care about orphans in ethiopia and think we should speak against injustice. but in speaking out, my hope should always be that God gives me the heart to accept what is the most good and just for the children of ethiopia, even if the result puts my dream in jeopardy.

having realized all that, i found a sense of peace about our adoption last week that i haven't had for 5-6 months. i attribute much of this to the prayers of family, friends, and our church family. we still don't have a referral after more than 13.5 months of waiting. we might not get a court date before rainy season. we might not have kids by christmas. but we're at peace because it's true: God is good. he is faithful. he still does miracles. and his purposes are beyond our understanding.

who i really am

we got invited to a party last night.

i deliberated over and over in my mind if we were going to go. we didn't really know the woman for whom the party was being given. some of our friends from church would be there, but so would a bunch of other people we didn't know at all. there would be an hour of mingling before a movie. AN HOUR OF MINGLING IN A LARGE GROUP. and so it struck:

social anxiety.

i decided to email our small group -- who expected us to be there -- and tell them the truth. i knew they would be compassionate and understanding, totally non-judgmental. honestly, i sometimes struggle with social anxiety, i wrote. i often feel very self-conscious and shy in large groups where it's just a social gathering, especially when i don't know some of the people.

and today, two others in our group confessed their own struggles with this same issue. for me, this was just one of the many ways God has been affirming my understanding of community. in a real, genuine community, people can let their true selves be revealed. they can be honest about their struggles, they can openly confess the depravity of their hearts.

in doing so, the layers get peeled back, the barriers get broken down, and we begin to be knit together, human to human, rather than our facades merely exchanging pleasantries while trying to squelch everything that is hidden below and behind. when this becomes our paradigm for true community, we have others who can walk with us -- supporting us, exhorting us, encouraging us, rebuking us -- towards becoming who God intends us to be.

not a magic trick

for the past few months, i've struggled with the idea that faith works like a magic trick.

it's a bit like being told when you were younger that jesus would come back at an hour nobody knew, which somehow got translated into that jesus wouldn't come back if anybody in the world was thinking of his return at any particular moment. it had to be when nobody was thinking about it -- then he'd return and surprise us.

if you're like me, you used that to your advantage at moments when you weren't ready for jesus to come back. you just thought you could think about it and, with that thought, control the whole course of redemptive history.

for me, i've tried to will our referral by similar magic. i've read countless referral stories where people said, "i wasn't even thinking about getting our referral today." and, in my mind, i've believed that God has been disappointed in me for thinking so often about our referral, as if my thinking about it was a way of distrusting him. so i've tried not to think about, hoping to appease him and thus convince him to give us our referral.

every time something discouraging has happened regarding our adoption, i've thought, "God will certainly give us our referral now because i've allowed myself to be broken before him about all these setbacks. i have done all the right things -- prayed, acknowledged his sovereignty, etc. surely he will reward me with a referral." and then, of course, when the referral hasn't come, i've wondered, "did i pray enough? did i cry enough? did i do enough surrendering?"

in all of this, i've had to realize that thinking about God as a magician who is placated by concoctions of good deeds and "right" responses is so far from truth. if God is such a magician, he is not sovereign; he is, instead, completely bound to human action. but truth says God is sovereign. and while it is good for me to trust him, to pray, to be broken about our situation, none of those things can will God to action because he will act when he has willed himself to act. our referral will come at his appointed time, not when i have done enough to earn it.

my pastor said tonight that it's possible to treat God like an idol, which seems a bit strange since it seems good to idolize God. but his point, which seems relevant here, is that we idolize things not because they are worthy of our worship, but because of what they do for us. they make us feel good, give us security or affirmation, comfort us, etc. and i think that's what i'm doing when i think God is a magician -- i'm trying to set up my life around him, trying to find the right combination of deeds and actions to please him, so that he'll give me what i want. what i'm missing is the opportunity to know God as loving and sovereign, desiring to grow me and make me new through this process.

so this week, i'm trying to give up on magic tricks. what about you?