three months later

perhaps the title of this post led you to believe this would be an attempt to summarize all that has taken place in our family three months post-adoption. but instead, what i'm really here to say that after three months, we finally broke down and bought...

a double stroller.

 

and let me tell you, after an inaugural stroll through best buy tonight, i knew my life would never be the same again.

 

kal has actually been extremely good about walking (and rarely whining) when we go places where she can't just ride in a cart. but even she has had her moments where exhaustion and overstimulation get the best of her. we've had a handful of miserable moments where kal has melted down or been on the verge of melting down because she wanted to be carried while we were out (and, for the record, i have had a few frazzled mom moments when i've obliged her request to be carried. mothers of more than two children, i salute you, because it takes a lot just to juggle a 4-year-old on your hip while steering a stroller carrying an almost-2-year-old with one hand). but now, thanks to the awesome sit and stand double stroller, kal can sit down when she feels tired/overwhelmed or stand up when she's looking for a little adventure (and she can still walk when she wants to, but i already told her that we didn't just buy a double stroller for her to decide that she never wants to ride in the stroller again).

 

the other thing i've noticed, though, is that strollers are a good way to protect your kids from all the crazies out there who have never heard of a good 'ole thing called personal space. i'm probably a little hypersensitive about personal space because i've read a lot about kids from multiple caregiver backgrounds who don't know how to discriminate between their permanent caregivers (read: mommy and daddy) and all the other potential caregivers in the world (read: complete strangers at the mall). we still don't let people we know and trust get too much in their space because, even with the positive steps toward healthy attachment we've taken in the last few months, there are still times when i watch them be totally confused about who mommy is or who they're going home with. the problem is, rebuma is now in a stage where he absolutely loves to wave at people, which means he is perpetually -- though, unintentionally -- inviting others into his personal space (sometimes, when he's feeling extra congenial, he reaches his hand out to grab people so he can wave at them, and that's when i literally have to restrain his hand with mine). and once rebuma gets someone waving back or talking to him, it draws kal in too, and she starts waving and smiling like she's known that person her whole life...and, well, i hope it makes sense why these interactions are problematic for kids from trauma/multiple caregiver backgrounds.

 

so, i figure that while a double stroller won't solve all my problems, i now at least have one more buffer between the outside world and both my children. because to get into my children's personal space means the crazies will also have to get all up in mine, and i'm neither as cute or as sweet as my kids.

the darndest things

i'm really kicking myself for not keeping a better record of all the english-as-a-third-language mix-ups kal has had. like tonight, she kept telling jamie she had a "girl cheese sandwich" for lunch instead of a grilled cheese sandwich.

thankfully, however, i can remember the best mix-up she's had to date. when we realized kal has a pretty sharp memory, we decided to harness it by starting bible verse memorization. for the past month, we've been working on learning a verse each week. a few weeks ago, she was memorizing micah 6:8:

and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.

i've noticed that the way she seems to memorize is by taking little chunks of the verse and repeating them over and over until she pieces the whole thing together in her brain. that week, i remember she repeated "walk humbly" about a million times. several days after we'd completed that verse and moved on to the next one, kal was helping jamie bring in groceries and kept saying "walk humbly." thinking she was referring to the verse, jamie said, "yeah, walk humbly, bible verse." but then she pulled out the container of guacamole we'd bought and said, "no, walk humbly" and put it in his hand.

guacamole. walk humbly. they really do sound a little alike, right?

our girl is seriously a trip and a half.

getting home

confession: i chuckle just a little now when i hear people complaining about a short-haul domestic flight with their children.

i know very few people who aren't scared to death about the flight home from ethiopia with their newly adopted child(ren). it's a long flight no matter how you split it up (direct flight, layover, etc.), and you spend every minute trying your darndest to occupy a child who literally has no idea who you are.

when we got to the airport the night we left ethiopia, i suddenly remembered i hadn't put a change of clothes for myself in our carry-on luggage in the event of a disaster. this thought occurred to me as we were at the check-in desk, and the ethiopian air lady was waiting for us to weigh our luggage. i decided not to hold up the line by rummaging through my suitcase and continued on through immigration and security and to our gate, hoping the outfit i was wearing could withstand the next 16 hours.

we waited at our gate for about an hour and then were informed that our flight would be delayed another 45 minutes. it was hot, we were all tired (it was already close to 11pm), and all i could think about was how terrible it felt that our already-way-too-long flight was delayed. kal had been saying she needed to go to the bathroom, so i took her and decided to change rebuma's diaper while i was in there. i laid rebuma on the changing table and was in the middle of changing him when someone turned on one of those hand drying machines. it scared the ever-living crap out of him. he screamed and cried and thrashed on the table. another cwa mom, maureen, was thankfully in there with me, and she held him down while i got a new diaper on him. i didn't even bother putting his pajamas back on because i just wanted to get out of there.

the flight ended up boarding quicker than expected, so we were soon in line to board. i was holding rebuma, who had about every ethiopian eye on him because all he had on was a diaper (and ethiopians typically over-dress their children to keep them warm and modest). we got down to the door of the plane, and a couple of ethiopian men were checking out rebuma. "where are his clothes?" one of them asked. i explained what had happened in the bathroom. "well, everyone is staring at him because of his chest." translation: your kid has man boobs.

things went well for the first hour, and then rebuma had a dirty diaper. i got my diaper bag and took him into the teeny tiny airplaine bathroom, where i proceeded to remove the poopy diaper and throw it away. that's when i realized that my diaper bag had no diapers in it. so i wrapped his pajamas, which i had planned to put back on him, around him and trudged back to my seat. as i frantically demanded that jamie get me a diaper as quickly as possible, i felt the warm sensation of pee start to saturate the front of my shirt. and with 15 hours left on that airplane, i regretted not taking five minutes to move a change of clothing from our suitcase to our carry-on bags.

so i, covered in a full baby bladder's worth of pee, went back to bathroom because rebuma still needed a diaper. and as i laid him down on the changing table, i'm pretty sure his little mind went straight back to the hand drying machine trauma of 2 hours ago because he screamed and thrashed. and i'm also pretty sure the people sitting right outside the bathroom thought i was trying to stuff him down the toilet or something equally terrible.

fast forward another few hours, and rebuma needed another new diaper. this time, a flight attendant came in and held him down while i changed him because she heard him screaming as she walked by.

fast forward another few hours, and rebuma needed another new diaper. jamie and i both went in the bathroom this time. i held him up (so we didn't have to lay him down), and jamie removed the poopy diaper and put on the new diaper. it was a pretty good plan, but i think rebuma still cried and jamie managed to get poop on himself.

throughout all of this, rebuma clung to me...as in grasped my shirt in each of his little fists and would not let go. my shirt was one of those shirts made of really stretchy cotton, so you can imagine that a few hours of stretching thanks to rebuma holding on for dear life had me freaking out that i was flashing the entire airplane. at times, i was on the edge of insanity, shoving rebuma in jamie's arms, saying, "i just need you to take him! he won't let go of me!"

somewhere near the end of the flight, we told kal she had to put her seat belt on (we weren't descending yet, but we were trying to obey the rule about keeping it on when seated). she flat-out refused, so we decided to ask a flight attendant to explain it to her in amharic. the flight attendant came over and explained the seat belt to her, but then casually said, "but she doesn't need to wear that now," then she reached over and unbuckled the seat belt. "thanks for undermining our parenting to our child who doesn't know she's our child," we thought. when we did begin our descent, kal still refused to put on her seat belt, so we asked another flight attendant for help. she spoke the magic words in amharic, and kal was immediately compliant. seriously, an airplane is not the place to work through a language barrier.

the rest of the flight was a blur. maureen let me borrow a tank top, which i put over the pee shirt. kal braided my hair. i walked up and down the aisles several times so rebuma wouldn't cry. rebuma was sans clothes for at least half the flight. i drank a lot of coke (but not too much since i didn't want to sit on the potty a million times with rebuma strapped to me in the baby ergo). and some guy a few rows in front of us got up and flipped out on another guy for "making a gross noise."

and that is why, after a 16 hour flight from ethiopia to DC, a 5 hour layover, and another 1.5 hour flight to charlotte with an 18 month old and an almost 4 year old who we just started parenting 3 days previously, we looked like this when we finally landed in north carolina:

so the next time you fly with your child, consider it a success if (a) your clothes are appropriately covering you and not covered in your baby's pee (b) your baby lets you change his diaper without the help of a flight attendant and (c) your child obeys you rather than the flight attendant.

should you adopt?

when we started the adoption process in 2009, we knew absolutely nothing about parenting adopted children.

what we did know was that God was calling us on this journey, so we committed ourselves to learning everything we could about adoption. we read books, we talked to other adoptive parents, and we attended a seminar on attachment. we became pretty fluent in talking about brain development and attachment and all the other things that come with adoption.

however, being proficient in all the right things doesn't really sustain you when you delve into the hard part of parenting adopted children. don't get me wrong -- i'm extremely glad we did our research. the literature on adoption is out there for a reason, and i honestly cringe when i hear that adoptive families bypass resources that will help them help their child heal. but there are days when my kids don't react to my intentional parenting the way the books say they will, and there are other days where i know exactly why my kids are behaving a certain way and exactly what i should do to help them, and yet i don't do it because it would be inconvenient for me (and also, sometimes it just feels good to lose your temper...so cathartic, yet so sinful).

the truth is, EVERY adopted child has special needs no matter how old they are or how well they seem to be doing or how healthy their paperwork says they are. and so, for me, the thing that gets me through the day is remembering that God called us to this and is helping us uphold our commitment to our children's healing -- even when it's really hard.

and this is precisely why i hate that adoption has become a fad, even among christians.

there is, without a doubt, a revival sweeping through the church where the hearts of God's people are being called to care for orphans. many families i know sponsor children through world vision or compassion international. i've watched my church gather around adoptive families by supporting them in fundraising and also in setting up an adoption fund. there are a number of organizations that now exist to serve orphans through mission trips or to empower women through job skills training so that poverty doesn't force them to abandon or relinquish their children.

as people hear more and more about God's heart for the orphan, i think many of them are genuinely concerned and want to do something. this is why so many of my conversations about adoption with others almost always begin with, "oh, your children are adopted!? we would really like to adopt one day too." unfortunately, when something explodes in popularity (even when it's a good kind of popularity), some people tend to jump on the bandwagon without having a clue what they are doing.

like i said, we knew nothing about parenting adopted children when we began. and if that's you, but you feel so strongly that God is calling you to this journey and you are ready to commit to whatever your child will need to heal, then you need to go for it. not a day goes by that we don't think about all the other children who are just as bright, just as funny, just as bursting with personality, and just as in need of a mom and dad as kalkidan and rebuma.

but if you just want to adopt because it seems like a nice thing to do or because all your friends are doing it or because it'd be convenient for whatever circumstances you find yourself in (ie, you have 2 sons but really want a daughter or you really want kids but have never been into pregnancy), then you should remember that fads come and go, but a child who comes into your family -- even if they are difficult to deal with or bring lots of baggage -- is forever. i can't say enough that it would suck not to have something greater than myself or my "wants" to fall back on when we're having a hard day in our house because of trauma-related behavior.

i still dream of the day when all christians will at least consider whether God is nudging them to adopt, even while believing that not all people will or should adopt. even on the hard days, i'm so glad God called us to this and 100% believe these 2 goobers are totally worth it.

on naming our children

when we set out to choose names for our children, we knew we were undertaking a very serious task. we didn't want to choose names simply because we liked them or how they sounded or because they were family names. we wanted names with meanings, names that our children could live into.

i know the question of re-naming (or not re-naming) adopted children causes friction in the adoption community. i know some people who think it's simply wrong to take away a child's given name, primarily because it's stripping them of the one last tie they have to their birth culture (and, in some cases, birth family). i know others who believe it's the privilege of the adoptive parents to give their child a new name (like God re-naming abraham and sarah after he makes his covenant with them). and still, i know others who believe re-naming an adopted child is good for practical reasons (for example, so your child isn't the kid who gets his name mispronounced on the first day of school every year).

the thing is, based on how things have worked out for us, i'd probably tell all prospective adoptive parents to "wait and see" on the name. otherwise, you may have to write a blog post and circulate it to all the people who now know your children by the wrong names. most people go into the adoption process feeling really passionate one way or the other without considering all the variables. for the person who "knows for sure" they're going to give their child a new name, consider that your child may flat out refuse the name (this most likely won't happen if you're adopting an infant) or won't understand (because of language issues) that the new name is a name and not some other way of categorizing identity (ie, another title like "mommy" or "sister"). this has been the case with our daughter, and the reason why we have ultimately decided not to change their names. at 4 years old, our daughter knows her name is kalkidan. and while she seemed to like the name ruthie, she never latched on to ruthie kalkidan and instead consistently referred to herself as kalkidan ruthie. frankly, we decided it was unfair to force a new name on a child who so adamantly preferred her given name, especially since we have no way of really explaining the re-naming concept (likewise, i'd also say it's unfair to force a child to keep their given name if they specifically ask for a new name, which i know is common for older adopted children to do). plus, kalkidan (particularly her nickname of kal) is much more fitted to her fiesty personality, something we wouldn't have realized had we not at least been open to not re-naming her.

and for the person who "knows for sure" they're going to keep their child's given name, consider that your child may come to you with a name that's flat out crazy (ie, they could be named madonna or obama or something like that) or their name could present a religious conundrum for you (ie, you are a christian but your child's name means "the strength of allah" or something like that).

so if you know us in real-life, this is the newsflash that we're going to confuse the heck out of you by telling you that our kids' names are rebuma and kalkidan and not ruthie and ephraim. their full names will be rebuma ephraim dean and kalkidan ruth dean (because ruth flows better than ruthie after kalkidan), and you can go here to see what each name means.

and if you're thinking about adopting, my advice is to remember that there's no right or wrong way to approach naming your child. our kids may resent us one day for sticking them with names that are extremely unique and, for some, difficult to pronounce. they may also have resented us if we had changed their names and taken away their ethiopian names. i think each child, once they understand the issue, has the potential to take a different stance based on his/her personality. for now, we've done what seemed best with what limited perspective we all have.

4 years old

today, our sweet kalkidan turned 4 years old.

(blog post coming about how we decided not to change their names)

i guess we can't really say any of those things about time really flying or how we can't believe she's already 4 since she's only been with us for a little over a month now. but what we can say is that we take such delight in this child and are so thankful for her life.

when we decided to adopt 2 children, we never dreamed we'd have a daughter. and now, here she is: half girly-girl (please note the tutu and pink high heels) and half tomboy (soon after the above picture was taken, she took off the tutu so she could ride her bike in just the bike shorts she got as a present today).

she loves baby dolls. her current favorite out of the dozen or so she has is an old cabbage patch doll from the 80s that belonged to me. she loves it because it has the yarn hair that's easy to braid.

she loves riding her bike and bouncing the ball outside.

her favorite songs to sing are "this is the day," "he's got the whole world in his hands," and "deep and wide." (also, she really loves "baby" by justin bieber and that "call me maybe" song). she also has a wide range of ethiopian songs that she sings a lot. we have no clue what the words mean, but we love the songs and hope she never forgets them.

she loves to watch movies, and i've recently been letting her have tv time while i fold the laundry in the mornings. on repeat are: toy story 1&2, madagascar (which she calls "i like to move it move it" because the lemurs in the movie sing that song), the lion king, and a random compilation of thomas the train episodes.

she started out being pretty jealous of baby brother, but she now loves him most of the time.

her favorite foods are pizza, pasta, watermelon, and bananas. she's gotten a little pickier about food since we've been home, but there's really  not much that she won't at least try. and she loved bbq when we had it recently, so she definitely fits in around these parts :)

she probably thinks burping is a socially acceptable habit, but don't worry, we've taught her how to say excuse me. and if you burp and say excuse me, she will say, "you're excused" over and over and over again until you thank her so she can tell you you're welcome.

i've been trying to remember all the funny words she says. she calls paper towels "wipers" and her leapfrog computer "people" (at least the paper towel word is an accurate descriptor. not sure where the computer word came from). she still consistently uses the amharic words for car, cup, shoes, ball, the phrase "good job," and her bathroom business. she's transitioned from amharic to english in a lot of other words, so these might be amharic keepers, which is totally OK with us since they're now part of our regular vocabulary.

she has such an amazing personality that i know will continue to reveal itself as time goes on. she is silly and loves to laugh, but she's also thoughtful and very bright. she catches on quickly to words and concepts, so her english and general communcation are improving daily. she is independent to a fault because she typically refuses to ask for help, even with tasks she can't do herself. but we've seen improvement in this over the last month. we know she still struggles a lot with anxiety and general fears about her place in our family, and we aren't scared to admit that these hurts may take awhile to heal.

today, we also remember a woman half way around the world who gave birth to this beautiful girl who is now our daughter. we pray for her, and we honor her.

happy birthday, kalkidan ruth dean.

on being home

on the plane ride to ethiopia, i was suddenly hit with a pit in my stomach. a panic washed over me and with it came a load of guilt. we'd been waiting for this time to come for years, and all i could think about was how drastically my life was going to change. there were moments during that plane ride when i wished we could just keep on perpetually waiting. i wanted to keep the idea of having children without having to jump into the real life of parenting them because i knew before we even had them in our custody that it was going to be hard.

we've been home for over 2 weeks now. while it has been hard, i'm thankful that we've also had many wonderful moments with our children that have been joy-filled. we have 2 really funny kids who love to talk, sing, dance, and play. our daughter loves bubbles. at every meal, she asks to hear "baby" by justin bieber (and we normally oblige). our son loves peek-a-boo, and his laughs sound like what i imagine an old man chipmunk would sound like. but i would be lying if i let people believe that we haven't had our fair share of trials. some who have visited us since our children came home have remarked at how well they seem to be doing as if they've adjusted with no problems. and it's true, considering all the transitions they have been through in the last several months, they probably are doing "well." however, appearances are deceiving, especially when you are dealing with a child who has come out of trauma. my daughter plays with a smile on her face a lot of the time, but it takes one moment of laying my hand across her chest and feeling her heart beating as if it's going to come out of her chest to know that she probably spends most her days in fight or flight mode. it takes one moment of listening to her cry over something she wanted that she couldn't have to realize that she was only crying for about 30 seconds over that thing and the rest of the time she's been crying over something else entirely -- unknown to me but deep down in her soul. it takes one moment of thoughtlessly shutting myself in the bathroom to clean off a dirty cloth diaper with my son outside the door (because there are poopy wipes in the trash can, and my son will somehow manage to pull them all out and make a huge, gross mess when i'm not looking) to know that my son still struggles with fears of being without a mommy.

one day last week, we'd just come in from playing outside, and i carried my protesting daughter to the mattress she's been sleeping on in our room (as an aside, i will say that bringing home 2 kids at once has had its challenges. on this particular day, my daughter was refusing a nap, so i had to carry her upstairs, which meant leaving my son at the bottom of the stairs with the baby gate closed. as soon as i had gotten my daughter somewhat calmed down and on her bed, i heard my son crying, which meant leaving my daughter alone to go comfort him. and while it seems logical to bring them to the same place so they can both have mommy present, that just seems to add to more stress for both of them. so unfortunately, at least in our 2-kid situation, we have to compromise on some things that adoption literature says are important so that both our kids get what they need). a few minutes later, i heard her yelling for me, so i went back up there (thankfully, my son was calm at this point). what struck me was that she was laying quietly on her bed, and she spoke with a nervous whisper -- quite a turn-around from the child she'd been just minutes earlier. as i stroked her little face, and gave her kisses on the cheek, it hit me that part of my job as her parent is to help her heal from having to be this split child. the vulnerable child who let me lay beside her is my real child -- wounds and all -- while the protesting child is an imposter who shows up when the hurts and the stresses are too overwhelming to bear. my hope for both of my kids is that one day they will be able to come to terms with their losses and will trust us enough to tell us when they are hurting.

i know other parents may be reading this and thinking, "are you sure you just aren't making a bigger deal out of behaviors that even biological children struggle with?" and it's true, bio kids can be crazy at naptime and cry when mommy is out of sight. but when your children have a history of abandonment, loss, and institutionalization, those typical behaviors are often magnified by that history. unfortunately, as a parent who is also a sinner, my tendency is to forget that my children have such tragic pasts. i have had to apologize to my daughter countless times already (even though she can't understand much of what i'm saying because of the language barrier) for being harsh with her when i should have been more gracious. sometimes giving grace is just better for attachment and making your child feel secure. but the christian tendency in parenting is to feel like you have to correct, correct, correct because you feel like you're creating a heathen if you don't (and also, if you're like me, you like to be in control all the time, so it feels like an assault on your control and on justice as you know it if you let your child get away with something).

so yeah, that's how we are doing. i don't really want to overshare about my children on the internet for lots of reasons (primarily, because they might read this blog one day), but i do think candor is good sometimes. i want people to know about adoption -- both how miraculously beautiful and awesome it is and also how hard it is. i want people to know that my children are just like your biological children and also not like them at all. i want people to know that i've yelled at my kids and have given them wrath instead of grace a million times already since they've been home and struggle everyday to be the kind of parent i know God has called me to be (and that i literally plead with the holy spirit to help me because i can't parent these kids on my own). and i also want people to know that there are still orphans out there who need a family, and there are still kids at risk for becoming orphans whose parents need assistance and empowerment so they can keep their families intact.

since my son only naps for about 30 minutes a day right now, this is probably the only substantial writing i can do for awhile, so i tried to get in all my current thoughts :)